The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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