It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
