I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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