Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
