Betty ford says i'm here all night
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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