Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
