Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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