He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
