i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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