I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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