Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
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