fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
