im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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