He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
