The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
