hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy sore nipples Batman
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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