So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
