I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sorry about my life...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
