Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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