Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
