I'm lost and stupid without you.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
