Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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