1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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