i wish starbucks made bloody marys
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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