In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
