This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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