my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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