Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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