Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
