I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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