he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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