I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
