Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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