I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
