I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
