Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
