So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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