I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
