i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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