so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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