He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
