His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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