In the future we'll all be gay
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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