im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
