im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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