Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
