dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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