Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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