i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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