why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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