Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i think i just lost a toe
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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