Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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