Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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