I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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